As my birthday approaches my count down becomes more silent. In the quietest moments I whisper five more days. It truly amazes me how far I have come in a short amount of time. While life has not been easy for me, from over coming cancer to falling in love for the first time and having it cause me turmoil; I try to remind my self to keep moving forward. If I am honest with myself and all of you I never thought I would make it to my twenty-six birthday. The thought had never crossed my mind; in truth I had not thought past the age of twenty-four. Now, that I am here I find myself wondering what would become of me. If I would want to marry one day or even birth children. I have always been the type to live in the moment because the future always seemed unreachable. As I said I have come along way in my personal and professional life and for that I am truly grateful. Even knowing that, I know that my tough road has not ended, but only truly started, so my birthday is bittersweet for me. Yet, as I keep going on with my days I tell my self one word forward.
We all have moments in our life that tear us down and threatens to destroy us. I’ve been dealing with this accept of life for a while now, the lies that comes out of my mouth on a daily surprises me. Yet, it is the only way that I can stay sane in my daily life. It’s extremely difficult to not let myself crumble even at my lowest moments. While many may think that its ridicules to come overwhelm with emotions over an individual; to me it’s about losing trust in people. The saying we are all going through something could not be even more truthful. It’s ridiculous to think that my issues are more important than someone else’s issues. Not to diminish what is going on in my life, but there is a time and place for everything and while trying to build a career or even opportunities for myself this emotional aspect needs to be turned off. It has been a trait I learned to apply in life in my adult years and to be honest the hardest of things to apply. Yet, it has been the most full filling lessons I have learned as of yet.
It’s okay to change even if others do not understand as to why. Only you know the struggle in your mind and soul. The first step to strength is to admit weakness and to attack it. We are always stronger than what we assume we are.
Accepting that I cannot change the passed is more tiresome then one may think. It takes you to a place where nothing matters. A place where you only have energy for one thing in life. In this world of self pity nothing and no one matters. All you can think of is the one thing that hindered you in such a way.
The hardest part of life is not making mistakes because everyone makes those. No, the hardest would have to be is accepting the fact you made a mistake and there's nothing you can do to change the past. The only thing left would be is to forgive yourself for hurting someone else in the process of you learning a lesson. I think we tend to forget that we are only human at the end of the day.
You are my little secrete that’s not, so secrete any longer. You see I had made a promise that I would not open my lips and I did not. I cherished all the memories that were made and even the ones that erupted and destroyed me. Let’s give you a name shall we, hmm how about John. Yes, that works for me. So you see John I kept our dirty little secrete, however you did not. Now, I am not sure if you meant to destroy my friendships, but intent does not matter, what matters is the repercussions of that action that matters. John, do you even realize how much it pained me to do the right thing and let you go? Do you even care that I have cried, so much this year alone to fill up a pool ten times over? I don’t think you can even understand the amount of pain and torment you have put me through. Yet, I still try to give you the benefit of the doubt. However, I am done now. I realizes that we are strangers from here on out. That everything has changed and I am stronger because of it even through my pain. John, I kept the secrete; why couldn’t you?
The thing about life is that you never know where the roads are going to take you. Everything you ever thought you wanted could change with a swipe off the road. The weather changes and you have to decide if you crumble in the storm or fight as hell to get through it all. Truth though we are human and the fight is in all of us, but what makes us different is the will to live and thrive, no matter the circumstances we find our self in. That is where our true nature is, not what others see on a daily life, but the person no one really sees. I know you know whom I am talking about, the inner you the one that says tell him to fuck off, the one who says she really didn’t mean it that way. Yes, the one we all hide for many different reasons. I for one hide the part of myself that cares too deeply about others, even when they screw me time and time again. Yet, that is who I am in the inside and if I change this fact about myself, if for a moment I change to make someone pay for what they have done then that makes me no better than them. I for one refuse to do that, I have come too far to let others ruin my nature. It’s a road that has chosen me not the other way away around. It’s hard and I struggle every single day to keep smiling and pushing forward, to bring some happiness into other people’s days. That is what brings me peace and joy as well as heart ache at times. If you kept on reading thank you, I hope this touched your heart in a deep way, always remember keep striving to be better and do better.